Those things that vex you deep in your soul. Part 1

Yeah. So it started with them nasty badly redrawn Dr.-Seuss-Cat-In-The-Hat-looking eyebrows. If you have decided to immerse yourself in abstract art and see your eyebrows as a suitable canvas then by all means but please first fire a warning shot. Some changes are rather sudden and my inspire a flight or fight reflex, the latter ranging from coffee in the face to calling an exorcist. Let me explain. Just saw  you at work, agreed to meet later for a few beverages of the "party all night" variety, come around to do that move to a place of bright lights and raucous laughter, suddenly Kabuki Mask makes an appearance. There are not enough "Nopes" on this planet to explain my stance on this rude introduction to masks and powdered visages. That foundation brown , white, whatever the <insert vulgarity here>, will come off on anything it makes contact with, so <insert vulgarity here> your seats, suit shoulder, your face, groin, you get the picture.  Next up, the expression you painted on lasts all night. All night? Yes ALL NIGHT!  Imagine, you grit your teeth and finally get through the evening without choking a <insert vulgarity here> , all close and intimate and down comes zip, now the aforementioned expression that has been on all night is still on. This rabbithole splits into two dark and murky directions. 1) Blessed: ohmygodmandingobbcxhamsterwasrightwillitfit?!  or    2) Not Blessed: ohmygodisthatamaggotkillitquickewww?!!? Depending on your vital statistics at this point, that expression may prove to be your superhero sexselfie or your undoing spiralling into performance anxiety, can't get it up right down to the depths of "I will take a vow of celibacy.". So you close your eyes but that my friend, is a lesson in futility because the great internet has taught us that what has been seen can never been unseen, if you think i am kidding, search "eating a Kitkat bar the wrong way"  .Only the foolhardy will dare sputter or whimper, "You know <include endearment here> i preferred the unibrow ..", Your death will not be swift and will last at least 3 seasons. You will be the cautionary tale that will be used to train young pimps, "Remember that O.G<insert pimp name here>? Ooh yeah, he shouldn't have.. nope he really really shouldn't have!".

<The author is not responsible for your vexation, anger or any general insanity arising from this post, your search results and all such. >