The Dreamer

Since the dry season arrived and the pond began to dry out, the tension heightened considerably,

The patient became irritable and quick to snap, the usually grumpy became walking or flying self-contained thermonuclear units.

The optimists with their bright plumage lay sprawled in the shade grooming and consoling each other, “Don’t worry, it will rain soon, you'll see.”

But the ants knew. They knew the summer had bad intentions and would smite the land like a biblical plague. You see they got their weather forecasts straight from the source and if Terra said build your anthills, you built your anthills. Terra was never wrong, a first for a weatherman. He would sit all day, antenna buried in the roots of the old baobab tree and listen. Still, so very still that one would believe he had been digested by the root he tapped into and indeed they had once tried to bury him thinking he was dead. On this day he had come running, yes running, as scary as seeing a statue suddenly animate, his disposition struck terror in the hearts of the brave and he threw himself down in the Queens' Chamber and moaned one word, "Build".

The Hunt

<b>“A pox upon you and yours.” was the reply they got. He was so tough that they weren’t very sure if he was going to be edible at all. He put up an unexpected fight and many had retreated to lick their wounds.

“I’ll take you all!’ he said. He was cornered. Not a chance in hell of escaping this situation. “This, my friend, is end game.” he reassured himself.

“We can out-wait you, Young Sir. Your inexhaustible reserve of energy is flagging and failing as we speak. Should you consider surrender, we shall dignify you with a swift dispatch, quick and clean.”

My Trust Issues went into overdrive.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3004756/Worker-jailed-smuggling-20-000-cash-stole-employers-KIT-KAT-wrappers.html

Those things that vex you deep in your soul. Part 1

Yeah. So it started with them nasty badly redrawn Dr.-Seuss-Cat-In-The-Hat-looking eyebrows. If you have decided to immerse yourself in abstract art and see your eyebrows as a suitable canvas then by all means but please first fire a warning shot. Some changes are rather sudden and my inspire a flight or fight reflex, the latter ranging from coffee in the face to calling an exorcist. Let me explain. Just saw  you at work, agreed to meet later for a few beverages of the "party all night" variety, come around to do that move to a place of bright lights and raucous laughter, suddenly Kabuki Mask makes an appearance. There are not enough "Nopes" on this planet to explain my stance on this rude introduction to masks and powdered visages. That foundation brown , white, whatever the <insert vulgarity here>, will come off on anything it makes contact with, so <insert vulgarity here> your seats, suit shoulder, your face, groin, you get the picture.  Next up, the expression you painted on lasts all night. All night? Yes ALL NIGHT!  Imagine, you grit your teeth and finally get through the evening without choking a <insert vulgarity here> , all close and intimate and down comes zip, now the aforementioned expression that has been on all night is still on. This rabbithole splits into two dark and murky directions. 1) Blessed: ohmygodmandingobbcxhamsterwasrightwillitfit?!  or    2) Not Blessed: ohmygodisthatamaggotkillitquickewww?!!? Depending on your vital statistics at this point, that expression may prove to be your superhero sexselfie or your undoing spiralling into performance anxiety, can't get it up right down to the depths of "I will take a vow of celibacy.". So you close your eyes but that my friend, is a lesson in futility because the great internet has taught us that what has been seen can never been unseen, if you think i am kidding, search "eating a Kitkat bar the wrong way"  .Only the foolhardy will dare sputter or whimper, "You know <include endearment here> i preferred the unibrow ..", Your death will not be swift and will last at least 3 seasons. You will be the cautionary tale that will be used to train young pimps, "Remember that O.G<insert pimp name here>? Ooh yeah, he shouldn't have.. nope he really really shouldn't have!".

<The author is not responsible for your vexation, anger or any general insanity arising from this post, your search results and all such. >

Nose in the air. Part 1

A lot of people have forgotten the smells and aroma of their childhood. The 'new new' smell of Christmas clothes, the way you bury your nose in that new pair of sneakers or shoes. That dusty almost caustic smell of Harmattan and the heavy almost suffocating aroma of rain-forest trees proclaiming the advent of the rainy season. Some smells and scents have the ability to bring tears to your eyes whether because you are peeling an onion or remembering your crazy Uncle Gregory who loved women, wine and Davidoff Cool Water. I have a weakness for soft cotton sprayed with Old Spice. As my little niece eloquently explained "Uncle, some clothing materials are squishable."  . Yes, i agree. Let me formally define the word squishable". A material is deemed squishable when you can continuously roll and crumple said material in your hand (squishing) and you like the feeling and/or texture of said material so much that you unconsciously start sucking your tongue. Any public display of squishing is taboo for adults because a) you will look really retarded. b) You might get shot by the cops who may misinterpret your squishing actions as a form of masturbation. Improbable you may think? Consider this, a particularly soft material such as soft flannel with say 3 drops of DKNY Be Delicious sprayed on it evokes a feeling that can only be explained as eating a summer day through your hands and nose. Squishing this aromatic material would cause your eyes to roll back in your head and you may suffer a few happy fits. I will leave that open to any interpretation your horrible mind may decide to dredge from whatever gutter it currently lives in. Most adults have lost the ability to enjoy a good squish and as such do not understand a child's fixation on a certain blanket/pillow/piece of clothing but we, the few, understand the comfort and happiness of squishing that one material that takes you straight to your place of peace.

P.S Thumbsuckers are also part of our clan, they are the equivalent of country cousins who just pee against a tree instead of looking around for a toilet sign.